Cast:Act 1, Scene I: A hall in Ravenswood Castle, Somewhere in Scotland
Chorus: Out and about in inclement weather / Skipping through the bogs and heather/ We've lost the intruder, he must be clever!
Normanno: You seem quite jumpy ...
Enrico: I am, you numpty / I'm losing my clout / While Edgardo's about / A deal with Arturo / Would be hunkydoro / But Lucia's acting the clown / By turning him down.
Raymondo: Be kind to your sis / She's been hit and miss / Since your mum croaked.
Chorus: The mists have cleared / And just as you feared / The man on the loose is the well-hardo / Edgardo.
Enrico: Feel my pain / Through the driving rain / I hate this man / Almost as much as I hate midges.
Act 1, Scene 2: A park
Lucia: My first song / Is predictably long / With plenty of trills / And high vocal thrills / I've been dreaming for years / It will all end in tears / But my heart won't be at rest / Till Edgardo is pressed to my breast.
Edgardo: Here I am in a trance / For I must flee to France / But our love is strong / And I will be back ere long / To make peace with your bro / Who treats you like his ho / For though he is low life / I want to make you my wife.
Lucia: Did I ever tell you you're my hero? / You're everything, everything I wish I could be / Oh, and I, I could fly higher than an eagle / 'Cause you are the wind beneath my wings / But it could be an idea / Not to mention any of this to Enrico / Cos he is a psychoooooooo.
Edgardo: I will do as you say / Though my heart I betray / But let's exchange rings / To show how our love sings.
Act 2: A drawing room in Ravenswood Castle
Enrico: The silly old cow / Is on her way now / She'd better not kick off / For today she plights her troth.
Normanno: There will be no problem / From that little madam / I've forged a letter in Edgardo's hand / That makes it appear he's shagging half the land.
Enrico: You are a star / Now piss off to the bar.
Lucia: This is the day I've been dreading / The day of my wedding / To Arturo the loser / Who you want to schmooze.
Enrico: Don't be so morose / Things could be much worse / You could have been married to Edgardo the Cad / Who is shagging around, like Iacopo the Lad.
Lucia: As I am not very bright / I must assume you are right / I will go to my grave / A lover betrayed.
Enrico: Do give it a rest / Carry out my behest.
Lucia: Oh what shall I do / Och aye the noo.
Raymondo: You don't have a choice / So try to rejoice / Because God loves you / Even if He's got a funny way of showing it.
Lucia: Very well, I will wed ...
Arturo: ... Now let's go to bed.
Edgardo: I'm back somewhat sooner than everyone thought / And in flagrante delicto you seem to be caught.
Enrico: Now that you're here, we might as well duel ...
Edgardo: I'll cut out the heart of one so wantonly cruel.
Raymondo: Come, come now. You chaps / There's no need for that.
Lucia: It's all a bit much / I'm such a soft touch / Now I've finished my tune / I must lie down and swoon.
Edgardo: Have back your ring / May unhappiness it bring.
Act 3, Scene 1: The tower of Wolf's Crag
Edgardo: I am not asleep / I'm just being deep.
Enrico: There you are, you creep ...
Edgardo: As you sow shall you reap / Let us fight at dawn / When the guests have all gawn.
Act 3, Scene 2: The castle
Raymondo: Try not to laugh / As it does seem quite daft / But Lucia's lost her head / And topped Arturo in bed.
Lucia: My soul is in torment / This is my biggest moment / Sopranos' careers have been built / By wearing a kilt / And seeing how long / They can string out the Mad Song / So I make no excuse / For singing fast and loose / With several cadenzas / All achingly tender / That will leave you breathless and crying / Till my pianissimo dying.
Enrico: Ooh, hark at that / I've been a complete twat.
Act 3, Scene 3: The tower of Wolf's Crag
Edgardo: Where is the fool? / It's time for the duel.
Raymondo: Oh dear, oh dear / Here's Lucia's bier.
Edgardo: I take this knife / To end my life.
Lucia - Anna Christie
Enrico - Brian Mulligan
Edgardo - Barry Banks
Lord Arturo - Dwayne Jones
Raimondo - Clive Bayley
Alisa - Sarah Pring
Normmano - Philip Daggett
Libretto: Salvadore Cammarano
Translation: Amanda Holden
Director: David Alden
Set Design: Charles Edwards
Costume Design: Briggite Reiffenstuel
Lighting: Adam Silverman
Chorus Master: Martin Merry
Conductor: Anthony Walker
Well, sorry, but I don't love opera. I can appreciate the technical skill required to sing it, and I enjoy listening to a good voice. I am often secretly delighted at just how laughable some of the "plots" are. I enjoy looking at a well designed bit of scenery or a great costume, and I have been known to come over all goosebumps during a coluratura aria. But really, I could live without all the pretentious squawking that goes on about it, and I could do without wanky, minimalist productions all done in black and white (so 1990s) and I could do without all the waiting around for something to actually happen during all those long half-hours between the good bits. And I could certainly have done without Lucia di bloody Lammermoor. OK, call me a Philistine if you must, but I think this nonsense really confirmed (as if confirmation were really needed by this point) that opera and me are never really going to be on anything more than a nodding acquaintance.